My Monthly Memories: September 2019

Cheers to a promising October! Yes, very promising indeed. I just nailed down another work from home job via Upwork on the 6th of this month. This is not about the month of October just to clear the air, huh. This post is a monthly blogging event called #mymonthlymemories hosted by a gorgeous blogger named, Basant She of The Socially Anxious Extrovert. You may want to take a peek on her blog and find her posts interesting and heart-warming. Better yet, come join the fun of reminiscing what transpired in each and every month of our lives especially in the blogging department. For instructions, kindly click here.

September is my birthday month. I feel more of a nineteen-year-old single lady than a thirty-nine-year-old single mother. I have never felt so liberated and bold in my life in a million years and the experience is so refreshing that happiness seems to cuddle me these days. I wouldn’t say that I am totally free from negative feelings but positivity always takes over. I’ve written at least two articles in my blog, at last, and I am feeling more accomplished. I’d appreciate it if you’d take a minute or two of your precious time to check them out – Chasing A Phantom and Weekly Quotes To Ponder 56.

I also met a lot of nice and wonderful people on the internet this month. People I may or may not even encounter in real life but could leave their mark in my life. I may not be able to mention all of their names but I’ve always expressed how I feel about them the best way I can.

I also encountered mean people on the web, indecent proposals, and weirdos. Truly, the virtual world could be as real as it can get. And the definition of expectations versus reality has evolved into a complicated form for me. And yet, I find the challenge compelling. Maybe because I’ve been stuck with the same situation, or should I say I’ve been confined inside a jaded life for so many years, I almost lost count of how plain and gray my world has been. But hey, it’s never been late to catch up and do the things that I’ve been aching to do in the past few years – mingling with others, taking chances. Who knows? Maybe my future partner is just around the corner? It won’t hurt too much to remain optimistic.

I guess this is it for my September adventure. Looking forward to a more productive month this October. May God Almighty keep us safe and blessed.

 

CHASING A PHANTOM

I need to knock some sense to myself. Not that I regret the things I did in the past two months. Gosh, those were one of the boldest and bravest I did in my life.  I don’t see anything wrong with getting out of my comfort zone and doing things beyond the ordinary to enjoy life. Genuine happiness is rare to come by in this cruel world, after all.

Most people nowadays misconstrued sex for happiness. I cannot blame them. It satisfies a man’s carnal nature but in a temporary way. But others still choose to do it because it is readily available with all these Social Media fevers not to mention Online Dating Sites. It is just a click, a message away to find another person who wants the same thing.

I am chasing a phantom for years. Where are you, my one bullet? You’ve wandered long enough, I need you so desperately. I long for your lingering embrace, sweet kisses, and a warm caress terribly. I’m dying to be with you and I’d do anything in my power to possess you.

A secret rendezvous of two people who crave for a sexual encounter, a person who abstained for so many years waiting for a lover abroad, or just a horny human being who just wants to release his pent up frustration for not having a partner and is so tired of doing a ‘selfie’ (masturbation). Believe me, the yearning seems unbearable each and every passing day especially when you entertain the thoughts and the feelings deep inside you. Truth be told, with more than six years of not having a man in my life, sometimes, I can’t help but wonder how it feels to make love again. I more than miss the masculine smell, the sound of steady breathing of someone I hold dear, the touch, and the knowledge that he is lying next to me. I can hold it no more, I think my mind will explode any minute now. I just want a man who will reciprocate my feelings. Someone who has the same level of passion that burns inside me. We could dance in harmony, our bodies intertwined, our soul combined while we reach the peak. That moment of ecstasy.

Talk about desperation. I came into a point in my life where I realized how badly I needed to be loved. I must admit that a man who will love me the way I love him will salvage me from all the heartaches and all the pains I’ve been through. Sadly, this man seems to be MIA (missing in action) until now. I hope and pray that he’ll show up soon and sweep me off my feet so I can be whole again.

 

 

Weekly Quotes To Ponder 56

We, people, did things in our lives we’re not proud of, things that we’d rather keep buried in the deep recesses of our whole being.  Experiences we’d rather not tell a soul. It’s not lying, it’s not a bad thing either, in fact, it is one way of being kind to ourselves, a way of cutting ourselves some slack. To force a person to share his/her everything is imposing and in my own opinion, a little bit rude. Besides, it is impossible that a person is capable of telling another his absolute truth. With this being said, I came into an understanding that we can only know the person so much. That we will only know the things that this person allows us to know about him/her and with their actions or body language.

I crossed path with a very interesting person recently. From the moment I’ve laid eyes on his profile photo online to the moment I met him in person, the gravity of attraction is intense I was caught off guard. He’s not good looking alright but there’s something welcoming with the way he smiles, with the way he looks at me, and the way he opens his mouth when he speaks. It was a brief encounter and I don’t even know if it will happen again but deep down I wish it will.

I am the kind of person who always faces reality no matter how hard it may be. I know that self-deceit is tantamount to fake happiness. Does this means, I cannot play make-believe? That I cannot pretend I am someone I am not? Or escape reality for a while and indulge in a role play with another human being? Well, the answer depends on the way I feel about that other person. At 39, I learned that to live for the present moment is the best way of finding genuine joy and happiness. That wonderful and amazing moment shared with others, those inexplicable feelings of elation is worth all the troubles. These are genuine encounters with people that may or may not stay in our lives and that’s perfectly fine. There are no guarantees in this world. We could only make the most of everything we have, hold on to something that makes us happy as much as we can because, in the end, it will eventually pass like sands we try to hold with our bare hands.

I hope that you enjoyed reading this post and I’d be delighted if you leave a comment about your thoughts on the quote above. This is a Weekly post in my blog that I sometimes fail to accomplish due to my busy schedule. Have a wonderful weekend to us all.

 

 

My Monthly Memories: August 2019

 

This post is actually in response to a monthly blogging event called #mymonthlymemories hosted by a gorgeous blogger, Basant She of The Socially Anxious Extrovert. This is really long overdue but I am still grateful to God I was able to do this today. You may want to visit her interesting blog and if you want to join this blogging exercise, kindly click here for instructions.

I wasn’t able to write a post on my blog last month because of the additional job I just landed that demands my full attention. Oh my, I’m feeling guilty again for not being able to spare an hour or two to write a post.

I could say that August indeed is a better month. The first week was a struggle when it comes to making both ends meet. Not to mention the pressure of finding an additional source of income. On the third week, I finally nailed down a second job, the pay is a bit lower than my usual rate but it still helps me augment our daily needs and to pay our utility bills. Aside from that, my new client is nice and very supportive. I am so grateful to God for His mercy and grace.

And oh, I would also like to say that in just a span of one month ever since I came across this best selling author – Tess Gerritsen, I already have a total of 7 books written by her and I’m down to my 6th read at the moment. Her writing style is superb, the storylines do not disappoint. I look forward to finding additional books from this genre.

I am still short in the blogging department, though. I will commit an hour or two per week to be able to write a post, moving forward. Here’s to a promising September. Funny, it is almost the third week of this month now. I can still make up.

Have an amazing week, everyone!

 

 

Weekly Quotes To Ponder 55

After more than a year of accepting the fact that I totally lost the father of my children for good, I’ve told myself several times that I need to stay single until I find someone who is willing to make compromises, who wants to make sure we’re both understood and appreciated. Someone who would do anything to make me feel loved and heard. Someone who’d reciprocate my feelings. A man who can keep up with me.

Online Dating never occurred to mind at first, until I met this guy in Telegram. What seems to be a friendly chat and everyday photo sharing blossomed into something special. I cannot say that we’re into romance because we’re not really into each other. We’re more than friends, that I realized because sometimes we do things that only lovers do. We also share intimate details about each other. The good thing about this man is, he is so discreet. He does have Social Media accounts just like me but he uses it solely for his work or business. I admire him for this and I must admit that he is one of my happy pills these days. He’s from a different country, we have different cultures and upbringing. But despite these differences, we share one thing – we both could speak the English language. Thank God. I still find it hard to believe that out of too many people I’d meet someone from miles away that would be part of my life. Sometimes, we can’t explain what we see in a person, it is in the way they take us to a place where no one else can.

 

So, I will keep him. I will keep in touch with him as long as he wants to. He already earned a spot in my heart that nobody else can replace. The crazy thing is, he’s hardly ever online. And when he is online, I am not. We sort of wave or send Hi to each other or do voice or video calls if we’re lucky to catch each other online at the same time. But what matters to me is knowing that, when I go online, I see his status on WhatsApp or Skype, I know he’s been active or will be in the next few hours, and that’s enough for me.

That’s it for our Weekly Quotes To Ponder. How about you? Have you ever experienced that sort of relationship described in that quote? That even though we cannot always reply real-time the other person knows and understands that we’re always there for them? I’d be delighted to read your comments. Cheers to us all!

Weekly Quotes To Ponder 54

 

 

When life gets hard and seems that the whole universe is conspiring to pin us down, it is by loving others that makes us feel alive. Loving can hurt sometimes and people’s perception of its real meaning depends mostly on experience and their personality. Simply put, what is a good food to one man can be a poison to others.

When I was in college, I couldn’t stand the pathetic spectacle of a woman banging her head against an impregnable wall. I hate seeing myself falling so damn hard into a man and he couldn’t care less. I’ve had my share of ups and downs, I wouldn’t say that I am totally invulnerable with petty mistakes but I could say that I am smarter now, more cautious, and quite in control.

I was able to maintain a safe flirtation with a man from another side of the world online. This kept us both insulated from real entanglements. It is his idea of a relationship where we enjoy what we have in the present, no feelings are hurt, and no emotions are at stake. And he is definitely, fooling himself or sad to say, taking advantage of my vulnerability.  And heck, I am allowing it. Sometimes I could be so stupid and stubborn. But who cares? I am happy. The attention he gives me, no matter how brief, no matter hollow, makes me smile and helps me face the day with the hope that the best is yet to come. Admit it, we all need something or someone to keep us from falling apart. And having his presence is what’s holding me up these days. Does this means, I cannot survive if he decides to let go of me? To be honest, it would be one of the greatest blow in my life if that happens. It would surely break my heart into tiny pieces. Still, I believe that I can get through it. Thank God.

These days, I no longer make a fuss or sensationalize things. I see things in a different light, I look at difficulties and heartaches in a positive point of view. It doesn’t make me feel totally good but it is helping. My two cents? Allow me to share it… maybe in God’s perfect time, this man will realize my worth or maybe God will remove him out of my life to make a way for another person who will truly love me. I don’t know what the future holds but I’m sure that God is seeing what I’m going through.

What are your thoughts about the quote above? It pans out, right? But am afraid most people won’t realize it until it’s too late. Until the person was gone. I could only hope that it will not be too late for him. That’s it for our ‘Weekly Quotes To Ponder’ moment. Enjoy reading!

 

 

My Monthly Memories: July 2019

I always dream because I do believe that when dreams are gone in this cruel world, it would be a very lonely place. To love and to be loved is my greatest dream. And at the age of 21, I’ve found it and eventually… lost it.

This would be my #mymonthlymemories post. Almost two weeks after August, and as usual, I’m late again. This monthly blogging event was hosted by a wonderful blogger named Basant She of The Socially Anxious Extrovert. You may want to take a peek at her blog and join this awesome blogging exercise every month. Just click here for instructions.

I know that there were too few people who visit my blog these days. I cannot blame the numbers because I haven’t been that active in the past two years. Still, I am grateful to God Almighty because it is still thriving. I am even surprised that one of my most recent posts was mentioned and tagged almost two weeks ago. Check it out on this link. Simple gestures of acknowledgment and yet it made my day.

To wrap up what transpired last month – July. I must say that things are going slow but getting better every day. Our two firstborns; Erhyn – 17 and Marcus – 10 celebrated their birthday. As usual, no fancy restaurants, not a blast of a party just a simple food on the table and well wishes. I am so blessed to have children who know how to adjust themselves to any situations. I couldn’t thank God enough.

In the job department, I am still way shy of my ideal or target task. I only have one part-time Appointment Setting job for a Real Estate Investor based in Texas, US under Upwork platform and it barely sustains our daily needs. I am sending proposals any chance I get, few clients have reached out to me, but I haven’t found the job I sought for or at least a job that  I can showcase my skills and experience. I am optimistic, though. I know that in God’s perfect time, He will give me that job that is right for me. I will keep the faith.

One of the perks of working from home.

I can be a little scattered-brain at times. I tend to forget things even though it should be fresh in my memory since I only came across it minutes ago. I don’t want to think that this is a sign of early dementia. Oh my, I am only turning 39 next month. Heaven forbid! But mind you, when it comes to romanticism, I have a telegraphic memory. I think it is not surprising. I am a sentimental fool, after all.

This post will not end without me sharing the latest addition to my ‘Reading List’. If you are following this blog, you’ll notice that I am also into books. Reading crime thrillers, courtroom dramas, and psychological thrillers always heighten my mood, declutter my mind, and brings warmth to my heart. I have a list of favorite authors but last month I tried several writers who are new to me. Hoarding books is one of my guilty pleasures by the way.

 

And oh, before I forget, I have written another post last month entitled ‘UNREQUITED‘. I would be delighted if you’d check it. Just click this link. I look forward to a fabulous August.

UNREQUITED

 

I know that feeling envious to others is not good for my mental and emotional health but sometimes I can’t help it. I used to have a sunny disposition, an easy-going way with life. Most of the time, I take matters with a pinch of salt. But with all the heartaches, disappointments, and failures I’ve been through, the past shaped me into a different person. I am now wary of having an intimate relationship with others, leery to invest time and emotion.

Yet, deep down I still believe that someday, somehow, someone will come along who will not be intimidated with the kind of love I can offer. A man who can speak my language so I don’t have to interpret my soul. When that happens, the past wouldn’t matter. None of it would. I am turning 39 this September, and the vision of that waiting serenity still swam through me as comfort from time to time, but with the treatment of the man who’s nearest in my heart these days – his silence that hurts me more than his words, at 38, I feel crushed.

I know that if I decide to leave him be, what happened between us, no matter how overwhelming and vivid it may seem to me at the moment, will recede in time, its contours will be lost in the murk of memory. Apparently, this is the best course of action. I cannot force someone to love me back and vice versa. Still, the thought of not having his presence in my life these days appalled me. I am loving the attention, no matter how little he can give me. Besides, I can’t deny the fact that he’s one of the reasons why I smile these days. He is a paradox. He set a boundary between us right from the start and yet he oftentimes crosses it. He said we’re just friends but we do things that only lovers do. Then there were times, he acts like I don’t exist at all. Like I’m some kind of scenery that he passes by. It is really breaking me and killing me softly.

So, here I am. Lost and eagerly waiting to be found. I don’t need a knight in shining armor, I can save myself. I just want a man who will reciprocate my feelings. I know that I can never be too much or too difficult for a man who’s into me. I am certain that the right man will do anything to keep me. Well, that answers it, right?

 

My Monthly Memories: JUNE 2019

 

I don’t think I am hard to love or the opposite sex either. Maybe it just seems difficult because I haven’t found someone who will reciprocate my feelings. It’s been about one year, three months, and 3 days now but his piercing brown eyes still warms me up inside. I cannot help but smile at the thought.

It’s the third week of July now, I am supposed to write #mymonthlymemories post every first week of each month but the demands of being a single mother, freelance life, and a housekeeper always gets in the way. Well, enough for procrastination. I am now in the mood and I hate to lose the momentum.

June is the opening of a new School year here in the Philippines. Thus, parents, teachers, and students are busier this month. This is also an expensive month, so to speak. Should I say that this month is productive in a way? Most probably. I am grateful to God for all His mercy and grace. He willed the father of my children to support us the best way he can especially when it comes to our financial needs. I did mention that I lost my main source of income and though I already landed a new work from home job, it barely supports even our daily needs as well as our utility bills. As of this writing, I am waiting for my second client to train me so I can start working for him tomorrow. Life nowadays is quite tough but we’re keeping up. Thank God.

Before we continue, let me tell you that this is in response to a blogging event hosted by a gorgeous blogger, Basant She of The Socially Anxious Extrovert. She started this three years ago and ever since, I always take part. Looking back is but a part of my everyday life. it helps keep my sanity and makes me more human. Nostalgia is really a wonderful thing. If you find yourself in need of sharing your monthly memories or just wanted to read articles like this, I encourage you to check this link. I’d be delighted to read your comments or entries.

June is better compared to last month, I must say. It may not be the best month of the year so far but at least things are starting to fall into place. I know I still fall short when it comes to my blog but I have never been this optimistic. I realized that I don’t need to wait for a good mood to write, sometimes, I also need to tell myself that I’ve got to do things I have to do. Mind over matter, right? Strong will, determination, and a get-go attitude. These are the things I must recite every single day to keep me going and to be more productive.

Now, I’d hate to end this post without sharing my personal feelings these days. This blog is all about random thoughts, after all. This time, I won’t talk about heartbreaks, loneliness, tears, or any negative feelings. My overall mood is so wonderful that my heart and mind don’t have any room for them at the moment. Yesterday, we celebrated my mother’s 65th birthday (it’s three days late, should be last July 18th). I was reconnected with my estranged younger sister and I couldn’t be happier. I am so grateful to God for this opportunity and for making me realize I’ve finally moved on. Truly, all good things work for those who trust God and obeys Him. I’ve totally made peace with the past and is now moving forward positively. I now have someone other than my children who makes me smile every day. I still find it odd, though, that a person I haven’t met physically will have this big impact in my life. That a simple Hi, Hello, or How are you could brighten my whole day. Funny, isn’t it? Sixty to ninety seconds of 1,440 minutes a day is more than enough to make me happy. I am definitely loving the attention. My distant salmon, I hope you recognize this. hearing your broken English always warms my heart. I hope you won’t change.

That’s it for last month. July is getting better each passing day. Cheers to us all!

 

 

My Monthly Memories: May 2019

It’s been about a week since May had ended. Thank God for an opportunity to write #mymonthlymemories post in my blog. This is a monthly blogging event hosted by a gorgeous blogger named, Basant She of The Socially Anxious Extrovert. Nostalgia is one of the things that makes people happy to be alive.

What can I say about May? Well, with two new work from home jobs – both Appointment Setting, (I’m afraid, the other one will possibly be taken away from me). I find it a challenge to juggle between doing things I should do and finding time to detoxify my mind and relax. I know that while I need to work hard to make both ends meet, I also need to take care of my well-being. With this being said, hoarding books and reading them from time to time is a must.

I haven’t had the chance to write in my blog last month and this saddens me. It seems that my blog has always been on the back burner this year. I wonder how others who are also as busy or maybe busier than me were able to maintain their blogs and can still write regularly. I bet it is not only a matter of setting up priorities but more of strong will and determination. Beats me, though. Have you ever pursue something you really want or something you really need that you did everything you can and have gone beyond your means, but in the end, you still failed? I know I am a stubborn person. I am not a quitter and I am result-oriented too. Therefore, due diligence runs in my veins. I don’t do a mediocre job. I always push myself and be the best that I can. That’s why, when things go south, and I failed to meet my goal, it is so frustrating that I almost will have a mental breakdown. Whenever this happens, I would have difficulty in taking control of the situation and will just shut down. Others might think that I already gave up. Wrong. I just need to rest. Change course, think things over, and keep on going. Setbacks are but a part of life, we cannot fight it but we can deal with it a positive way. And oftentimes than not, failures are blessings in disguise. Sometimes, God allows us to be alone, He allows people to turn their backs at us, not to punish us but more so we can trust Him more and teach us to be humble.

Truth be told, I am still struggling to hold back my tears at the moment. I feel as if my heart will explode any moment now because of too many frustrations and disappointments these past few weeks. I am breathing in and out, taking my time to find solace in the midst of all these. And hoping that sooner than later, everything will be alright. I’m sure it is. I am keeping the faith. Cheers to a wonderful June!