I know that feeling envious to others is not good for my mental and emotional health but sometimes I can’t help it. I used to have a sunny disposition, an easy-going way with life. Most of the time, I take matters with a pinch of salt. But with all the heartaches, disappointments, and failures I’ve been through, the past shaped me into a different person. I am now wary of having an intimate relationship with others, leery to invest time and emotion.
Yet, deep down I still believe that someday, somehow, someone will come along who will not be intimidated with the kind of love I can offer. A man who can speak my language so I don’t have to interpret my soul. When that happens, the past wouldn’t matter. None of it would. I am turning 39 this September, and the vision of that waiting serenity still swam through me as comfort from time to time, but with the treatment of the man who’s nearest in my heart these days – his silence that hurts me more than his words, at 38, I feel crushed.
I know that if I decide to leave him be, what happened between us, no matter how overwhelming and vivid it may seem to me at the moment, will recede in time, its contours will be lost in the murk of memory. Apparently, this is the best course of action. I cannot force someone to love me back and vice versa. Still, the thought of not having his presence in my life these days appalled me. I am loving the attention, no matter how little he can give me. Besides, I can’t deny the fact that he’s one of the reasons why I smile these days. He is a paradox. He set a boundary between us right from the start and yet he oftentimes crosses it. He said we’re just friends but we do things that only lovers do. Then there were times, he acts like I don’t exist at all. Like I’m some kind of scenery that he passes by. It is really breaking me and killing me softly.
So, here I am. Lost and eagerly waiting to be found. I don’t need a knight in shining armor, I can save myself. I just want a man who will reciprocate my feelings. I know that I can never be too much or too difficult for a man who’s into me. I am certain that the right man will do anything to keep me. Well, that answers it, right?