In your eyes all I can see Is fading image of me You are not what you used to be Acting like you never once loved me I may be wrong, but I bet I cannot just forget Your stare that captured my heart Touch that brought me warmth Smile that outshines the sun And kisses that made me lost my mind How could I possibly find courage To let go of what’s really mine?
This quote never fails to remind me of how things could be so extreme at times – be it good or bad. And today, things have gone from bad to worst. Truly, I am being tried on how I would deal with this blow. Until now, I am still trying to convince myself that I am just dreaming, that history would not repeat itself. If you’re following this blog for quite some time now, you may already read one of my posts entitled ‘Sudden Twist‘ where I shared a story about how a pet could touch someone’s heart.
After what happened that time, I’ve been hesitant to get another puppy but since my children’s really fond of having a pet in the house, we bought ‘Maxie‘ (our second Chihuahua puppy) last December 10, 2016. She was one half month old then. Everything seems fine, she’s an adorable and energetic puppy and is fun to feed. Even giving her a bath is an easy task not to mention taking her outside for a walk in the morning. Then yesterday, we noticed that she’s not in her usual self, she seems so aloof and doesn’t want to eat. And her stool is watery. I took her to the vet this morning and have been diagnosed with Parvovirus – the same exact illness that struck our first puppy. I am truly broke – emotionally and financially. As of to date, she’d been given an antibiotic through IV and been confined in the clinic. According to the vet, there’s a fifty-fifty chance of survival so we’re still hoping she could make it.
I can’t help but wonder if this is just a coincidence or one of fate’s cruelty. When you are a stay at home mother of four children who rely upon just enough remittance abroad from your partner and is always struggling to make both ends meet, it is really tough to deal with this kind of situation. Honestly, I am caught in a dilemma at the last minute of taking our puppy to the vet. I even asked myself if it is worth the risk? I do understand the cost and it would really leave my wallet empty, however, I cannot just let the puppy die without giving it a chance. And besides, I don’t want to see it die in my arms just like our first puppy, so with closed eyes I did gave it a go. God’s willing, it will survive and worst come to worst, at least I won’t have any regrets.
While writing this post, I just received a call from the veterinary clinic saying that the puppy didn’t make it. I was shocked, it took me a minute or two to respond. Maybe it’s not yet time for us to have a long-term pet. Another heartbreak, I’d let it be for now. This too shall pass. I just pacify myself that even though she’s gone, all the fun memories we had with her would remain immortal.
Unpleasant past, burned letters Its ashes gone with the wind More than a decade But the pain’s still here Too real, too hard to conceal Always pretend ’til I mend And by then, myself I can convince That we are not meant To be lovers nor friends But those eyes won’t disguise Real feelings inside Burning desire consuming your pride I’m more than tired Why fight what we can’t deny? Give in even for once Throw us a glance Be lost in a trance We’ll never know ’til we again try Rare love we have found It’s worth all the while
Truth be told, I already forgot what life felt like before he came along. How could I? I’ve found someone who wants to learn every aspect of who I am. For the first few months of being together, he never fail to make me feel important. Just being with him is happiness. Seeing him smile is more than a pleasure. And I knew that he’s the one I would want to share my all until I breath my last. This faith kept me holding on and made me believe that true love knows no boundaries, and it measures no time nor space.
But recently, I’ve found myself questioning my so-called faith. And in the wee hours of the night, when the whole world is fast asleep, I lay in my bed, tossing and turning. Thinking of any reason why a love that seems so strong and true is actually full of lies and deceit. I’m in denial stage.
The quote above summarizes it all. There are things in this life that is beyond our control. That sometimes, letting go doesn’t always mean we give up or we are weak. I am learning to accept what happened in the past and is now trying to put back the pieces of my trampled self and begin anew.
How about you? How are you dealing with failures? I would be delighted to read your comments. May God bless us all!
I have never felt this exhausted. My energy have been drained from my body and I am more than immobile. My mind and my heart, drenched with pain, doubts and fear, they’re not functioning well. I can’t feel anything anymore. Just a sense of nothing. Ninety nine percent of my being wanted to go to oblivion. All I know now is I am floating in air. No heaviness. Chaos…
So this is how it feels to fall out of love for someone or something. You don’t give a damn. You don’t care what will happen next. You lost all the reasons to hold on, the reason to fight. You lost sense of direction. This is not good. This is not bad either. I think this is a dangerous combination. Perhaps, one of the most challenging and difficult test in this life.
How can I survive when my only reason for survival has long been gone? Here I am again, wanted to sound funny when in fact everything at this moment seems ridiculous.
Maybe some girls are not meant to be tamed. Maybe they are supposed to run wild… Until they find someone just as wild to run with
All my life, all I ever wanted was to love and to be loved. I never wanted fame or fortune. I am not a materialistic type. I can be happy with small things. I am not hard to please. I must admit I can be upset so easily, I am an impulsive type. I can just burst into tears or laugh at the top of my lungs. I can be as mad as hell and could swallow a whole person but I can forgive people easily and forget everything in one sitting. I know at times, I am not easy to understand but all of us do. Wouldn’t you agree?
I would love to go to a place where I could clear my mind and release all the burdens I have in my heart. Be at peace. But there are times when the more we ache for that to happen the more it becomes elusive. And the more it hurts, the more it becomes intolerable.
I’d let things be for now. I am heartbroken, lonely, hurt, lost, and weak. I’ll just let them celebrate their victory and laugh at my defeat. I need to gather every strength left in me. I need to buy more time. As long as God is still letting me breath, as long as I see the sunrise in the velvet sky, I know that the best is yet to come…
Find a heart that will love you at your worst and arms that will hold you at your weakest.
I’m broken and completely wrecked. I tried to walk away. Yet, he refuses to let me go. And no matter how much I resist him we both know that what lies between us will always stay.
I am no martyr I tried to be numb with the pain but to no avail His silence is deafening. But once he opened his mouth, You don’t want to listen. He’s always near but seems so far He’s drifting away His heart had gone astray
Once in my life, I came to a point where I have to choose between holding on and letting go. The collision of these two is too painful and seems unbearable, I am on the verge of giving up. As far as I know, I’ve done too much for someone that the next step to do is to stop. Walk away, move on…
I am a sentimental fool and I am not ashamed to admit it. For me, it is an honesty that is raw but true. Emotional attachment to people or things is the blood that runs through my veins. It is what keeps my sanity amidst adversities. It is the force that drives me to be better everyday. It is the very reason why I chose to be more human.
Some may think that being sentimental is not only foolish but also a waste of time. I understand them but I disagree. I know that a sentimental person is strongly influenced by emotions than by reason. But it doesn’t mean that we can’t be rational. How could someone who has the ability to empathize and forgive others easily be irrational? That, I would never understand.
Sentimental is dealing with feelings of tenderness, sadness or nostalgia, typically in an exaggerated and self-indulgent way.
In all my life, I have never force someone to like or love me. I have never exerted any effort for others to accept me. Pretending is not my cup of tea. I want people to know me truly, to take me just as I am. If you reject me, I cannot do anything about it. I never chase people because I believe that if they belong to my life they will stay. It is a chance I willingly take as a sentimental fool and for me, it is freedom and it’s what makes me happy.
She met Dave Morrow a couple of months ago. They were introduced by a mutual friend. At the moment they shake hands, Grace felt electricity flows in her whole body. The one described in romance novel when two people is in love. Truth is, Grace doesn’t believe that but now she do. Unfortunately, Dave’s in a relationship and so does Grace. But every time they bumped with each other they’d find their eyes fixed with one another, and would exchange the sweetest smile. One time, inside the library, after saying hello’s they found each others lips and shared a passionate kiss. They both knew it was wrong. But they can’t help it. That was the start of their secret love affair.
They would find time to be together while hiding their relationship, they would make the most of every moment because they never know how long it will last. Grace cannot deny the fact that the happiest moments in her life were those shared with Dave. However, their world is getting too small and she knew that they cannot hide it too long. She broke up with her boyfriend but Dave cannot just do that. His girlfriend has a suicidal tendency.
Dave: I thought we’d celebrate Thanksgiving together, why are you leaving?
Grace: I know, but I think this is much better. We need some space so we can think things over. This relationship is getting more complicated. I cannot go on like this. I need someone to stand by me, I want a man to fight for me and let the world know that he loves me.
Dave: I understand, and I am more than willing to do that for you, just give me some time.
Grace: That’s what I am giving you now. If you really love me and want this to work, leave her then comeback next week, I’ll wait. But if you did not come back it means goodbye.
Days turned into weeks, weeks into months Dave did not come back. It was the most painful thing, the hardest blow in her life. She wanted to breakdown. She cried a river.
Dave: If you only knew how much I miss you! It’s been an everyday struggle trying to convince myself that it’s over. I hope you can forgive me for the pain I’ve caused you.
Grace: Let’s forget what happened. Time for us to move on. Good…
Before she can finish her word, Dave sealed it with a kiss. She can feel their pain and their longing with each other. He embraced her so tight, she hardly caught her breath. She can’t deny the fact the she wanted him so badly, she wanted to tell him to come back to her. She closed her eyes and savor every seconds of that kiss. In the spur of the moment, she found herself alone in that cold and empty street. Her eyes, blinded with tears. He ran away from her.
Rain pours, she can ride to go home but chose to walk. She wanted the rain to wash away her pain. The night is still young and it’s really cold outside but she don’t mind. It is now clear that he cannot be hers. Time to go back to reality, time to move on…will they ever lost the connection? She doubt it.