Solitude is no stranger to me. It has been my constant companion since time immemorial. As soon as I’ve learned how to read (at age 6) I never really rely on others. My mom once shared with my younger siblings (I am the eldest) that even though I am struggling with my homework when I was in grade school, I refused to let them help me or teach me. I’d rather find the answer or solution on my own. I always feel a sense of fulfillment and empowerment whenever I succeed.
And when I was in college, I emanate a dominant aura that other students find intimidating. There were dozens of admirers and detractors alike. I was not bothered by that back then. I have very few friends. That is because I am also straightforward, blunt, brutal at times. I have a very low tolerance for fake people. I could easily smell their stench from afar. I’d rather have one true friend than be with a dozen who are fakes.
Too few, if there is any, have an idea that creating an impression of having a strong personality is but some kind of camouflage for me. Truth be told, I don’t want people to see any weaknesses in me. I don’t want them to use it to their advantage and bring me down. Deep inside, I recognize my fears, my vulnerability as well. I also know that there’s a part of me that longs for someone to be my hero. That there’s someone out there who could see the real me and would rescue me from myself. Someone who could fill the void inside.
It is not the solitude that is killing me softly, don’t misunderstand. I am not selfish nor narcissistic. It is the loneliness, the feelings of being abandoned. The ugly truth, that the harsh reality of not having someone who truly cares. I am not being pessimistic either, I am just being real. In the course of my lifetime, I’m afraid it’s very rare to find people who genuinely care for others. Most people’s mentality is that what they can get from the relationship, what is it for them. But this doesn’t stop me from caring. I think it still depends on the individual. If it runs in your blood that you are one caring person, you don’t have to force yourself, it will just show naturally.
How about you? What are your thoughts about this? I’d be glad to read your comments. Thank, God I was able to write my 52nd Weekly Quotes To Ponder post.