Note To Self

Time check, 5:23 AM, September 10, 2018, a Monday. I’m now officially 38 years old, whoa! I got off bed around 11:30 PM last night feeling refreshed after four hours of uninterrupted sleep, whew! That’s a relief, for I rarely had the luxury of sleep for several weeks now and it clearly shows in my eyebags.

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I found myself cleaning the living room, again. Then faced a ton of clothes that I need to fold and put in the closet. It feels like this day is just another ordinary day in the life of a work-from-home mother of four. I checked my mobile phone in between chores, chatted with few friends every once in a while. Being a single parent taught me a great deal about multi-tasking, self-reliance, resourcefulness, and time management. I am more than grateful to God Almighty for all these.

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I don’t make a fuss on my birthday but I must admit that it feels great to be on a spotlight even once a year. I miss getting a present and a surprise especially from someone to whom I share a mutual affection. In short, I miss having a love life. Oh my, I am now in the la la land. I feel light. I feel like I’m floating.

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I’ve been totally out of a toxic relationship for barely four months now but the feeling of not having someone who loves me romantically have been my constant companion in the last 12 years. I’ve lived under one roof with a man who chose to harbor a grudge over some petty mistake I’ve done in the past in order for him to justify all the unpleasant things that he does to me. While I am stupid enough to punish myself for that mistake, years went by so fast, I forgot how it feels like to be genuinely happy. I still yearn for intoxication, a stare that could pierce my heart, melt the bones in my body, makes me forget all the troubles in this world, and be in seventh heaven once again. I am such a hopeless romantic. I’d like to think that I am one passionate person.

When I love a man, I gave my all. I have no reservations. I take that person completely – flaws and all. I don’t give a damn about his background. The only reason why I would want to learn about his past is for me to understand how he needed to be loved. And in return, I expect that person to do the same. I don’t think this is too much to ask but in the course of my lifetime, it seems like people who have this kind of attitude is one in a million. And after all these years, I thought I’ve found that man. Maybe…

I bare my soul again and it feels great. I hope I could make others feel better once they come across this post. There are so many shits in this life, so many critics that I chose to be an encourager instead. May God bless us all!