The Cross I Bear

I am staring blankly in front of my desktop for almost about two hours now. I am preoccupied with a lot of things these past few days, feelings I really want to get out of my chest but unable to convey in words. I cannot say that this is a writer’s block. It’s more like trying to do something you are really dying to do but your body won’t cooperate.

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I have been in a toxic relationship for more than 12 years. I must say that I am partly blamed for what happened. It almost becomes natural for most people to point fingers on another human being for all their unhappiness and failures but not me. I always look at both sides of the coin. With this being said, you’d have an idea why I lasted that long before I decided to let go and move forward.

For years, I’ve been scared to death. No, it’s actually an understatement. The pain I’ve felt from being taken for granted, from all betrayals, and few physical fits of abuse from that man are more than excruciating, it won’t render me numb.  His abusive words served as my greetings before I even start my day. I fought back every once in a while but I grew tired of all the dramas and decided to just take it like a pill I need to swallow no matter how bitter it may be.

‘When someone changes for the better, let them.
Give them room to be a new version of themselves without holding their past against them.’ – quoted

I believe it’s not too much to admit that I am partly blamed for all the unpleasant treatments that I received. But sometimes, I can’t help but wonder…haven’t I’ve had enough? Do I really need to suffer the consequences of a few mistakes or wrong that I did him in the past for the rest of my life? I’ve tried to make amends, did everything I could to show him how sorry I am. But the man is a resentment-filled brute. He’d rather harbor a grudge than forgive and forget. For in that way, he could always justify all of his wrongdoings. Having a scapegoat haven’t been that easier, huh.

I must give credit to him, though. He’d been a satisfactory provider if not excellent until he stopped sending financial support barely three months ago. Truly, hatred could wipe away all the affections in someone’s heart. I can take if he curses me for the rest of his life but I bleed for our children. They don’t deserve this. My two daughters – ages 16 and 12, they chose to be silent, or more appropriate to say, ignore what’s happening, but I know better. The younger children, two boys – ages 9 and 4, well, they’re too young to understand. There are occasions that I attempted to talk about what’s happening between me and their father, but they’d just brush it aside like it’s not really important. I felt frustrated at times but chose to let things be for now. I understand them, everybody is entitled to whatever coping mechanism they have and I’m not one to deny it to them. However, this realization didn’t diminish the fact that we’ve hurt our children more than we could imagine. And I’ve never felt so damn selfish and irresponsible in my life.

Your child is what will keep you holding on
when everything else is falling apart…

I have no doubt with how much our children love their father. It’s just that they have a different way to show it or I must say they’re not that expressive. Like when he calls us through Skype, they seldom talk – too shy to say something. But when their dad is not there anymore, they’d say sweet things about him, even reminisce all those wonderful memories they shared. I know how painful it must be for him not to be able to hear his children’s voice let alone be taken for granted by the people he loves most. But what can I do? I mean, I tried to encourage the children, it’s just that it’s not their kind of thing. It’s not my fault that they’re not that expressive. I just hope that their father will come to his senses and accept the fact that even though we cannot be on good terms with each other anymore, he could still be part of his children’s life if he wants to.

I refuse to hate the man for it won’t do me any good. Besides, I don’t know what he’s been going through on the other side of the world these days. I know it would be hard for him to believe that I am open to any type of communication he could afford to get in touch with his children. I cannot blame him if he’d think that the reason I want it is due to financial support. Well, it’s true. But not the main reason. I care greatly for my children that I am more than willing to set aside my pride for their sake. As a mother, I always find pleasure and peace of mind seeing my children, happy, content, and living a good life.