You must be familiar with American horror drama TV series ‘The Walking Dead’. I haven’t watched it, not yet. But the title itself speaks volume of how I lived my life at one point. I writhed in pain and agony as I watched my heart being slaughtered by this man’s vengeful spear. Consumed by wrath, he knows no mercy. Death scares me no more – I’ve died a million times ever since he drifted away from me.
A friend once asked me, ‘If God would grant you a wish, what would it be?’ I answered, ‘I wish I could undo the things that I did that torn his heart, for I know that that’s the only way for him to love me again.’ There would be an outpour of emotions every time I think about it these days.
I may feel upset with the way we ended
But I will never regret what we had.
I consider myself a realist. I’d always accept the things that I cannot change no matter how devastating and heart wrenching it may feel. But I must admit that at the deepest part of my being, there’s one thing I refuse to let go. That in spite of the truth slapped hard on my face, I still hope that we could be. Odd, isn’t it? Letting go and holding on is a tug of war I must face every single moment of my life. A collision of love and hate has always been a date.
Oftentimes, my brain is not functioning well. He’s everywhere I go. And all the things that I do reminds me of all the things that we’ve been through especially the good times. What so funny is, just like me, he also refuse to let me go and yet he’s playing fire with another soul. Making me pay for my mistakes for the rest of my life. Blaming me for all his unhappiness, for all difficulties. For years, I walked like a zombie. Living in the midst of people enjoying life and making the most of it. I have my man, he won’t leave me. I can wait forever, I always tell myself. I’ve waited, waited patiently and desperately. It took me more than a thousand years to wake up. Wake up from a beautiful dream that turned into a nightmare.
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up,
but rather accepting that there are
things that cannot be.
Now, I should face my greatest fear. I dreaded the day that I would lose him. I am so consumed with the thought of a miserable life without him by my side that I forgot to enjoy my life in the present. I know I cannot turn back time, I cannot undo things but I still have now and the day after. I allowed him to wander long enough. If he cannot love me anymore, I have to accept that and move on. It would be more than hard, more than painful but in time, I will be alright. I must refrain from walking dead and start living. I can’t thank God enough. With his help and mercy, I am surviving. In time, I’d be wearing that genuine smile once again.
You’ll usually regret the things you do in anger,
but you’ll never regret the things you do in love.