It’s been a while since I told him the three magic words. Not because I don’t feel it anymore but because I knew that we’ve drifted apart. For the past couple of years though, we managed to live and treat each other in a civil manner, have mastered the role of a good parent to our children and a good husband and a good wife in front of our family and friends.As I’ve said, I am not good at pretending. I am a kind of person who is confrontational and impulsive. And when I am in the heights of a strong emotion, I can just burst into tears or laugh at the top of my lungs. To suppress what or how I feel at a present moment is one of my hardest battles. Unlike me, he is a discrete type, he doesn’t want others to know what’s happening between us especially the not so good ones. He doesn’t want others to meddle with our own affair. He would want to maintain a good reputation, a good name that he can leave to his children as a legacy. I understand him.
At times, I can’t help but wonder, what happened to us? How could a love so strong, feelings so deep, and emotional attachment that we shared lost its spark? I know deep inside me that he is the only man who can make me feel an inexplicable feeling that could make my world go round and could make my life worthwhile. He used to feel that way with me also. No wonder, both of us cannot let go.
I could still remember those times when he’d whisper those three magic words softly in my ears when he thought I am already asleep. Those were the happiest moments of my life for I knew it was heartfelt.
I never thought I could be one great liar. I NEVER LOVED HIM, for it is more than love I feel inside. Whenever there is an urge to tell him about this truth, something will hold me back, and in a split second, I can’t help but let things unfold in its own time…